I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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