Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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