Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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