I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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