My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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