from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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