If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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