12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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