drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
