I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
