I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
