yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
