I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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