I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
