I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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