he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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