What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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