I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize