remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
