Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize