why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
The feeling are messing with the penis
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
