just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
