Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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