is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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