Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize