the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
is it fun? or sober?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
