You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
