watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
That was before I lit my hair on fire
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Congratulations! We have a period
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