Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
