i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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