my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Randomize
