guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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