I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
