He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
