He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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