she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
