My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
