I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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