you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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