Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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