She said her name was "party"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
