Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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