speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
