guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
