party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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