I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
