I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
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