Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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