I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
