wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
