Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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