My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
