Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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