Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
