I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
