Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
