bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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