remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
