When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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