My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i think i have herpe
just one?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
